she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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