I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
