Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
