My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys