Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
