someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.