so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...