Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
