my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
