If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
