Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
