OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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