Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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