i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
