The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
