He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
