new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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