what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He better not be in your backpack
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
