I want to walk on stilts...naked
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
