I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
