I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
