Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
