He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
