you're like a bully in the Christmas story
why do cheetos always look like penises
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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