You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
