I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
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you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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