i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
