she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
