Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
