I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
