"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
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She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
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I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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