I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
