I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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