my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
