The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i now understand why vodka
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
