Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Randomize
