Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
