i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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