Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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