I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
we should paint friendship bongs
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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