Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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