so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
