the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she looked like the before picture.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
