billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
