every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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