I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
