dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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