i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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