My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
