proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so let's talk penis.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
