I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
