my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
