I accidentally had phone sex last night
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
