You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
