she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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