a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
