You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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