My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
