u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
