Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
